you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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