Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
