1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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