I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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