My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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