His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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