just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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