Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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