my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
