I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
