My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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