dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
