Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
