Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
