He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
