Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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