did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
