Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
