my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize