Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
