I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
