Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my being single is dangerous.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
