Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
