I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize