Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
