the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
