Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
