my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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