I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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