Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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