I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
