people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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