Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
