He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
