Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
