Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
