Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
