The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
