i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
