I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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