I am puke
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i need some magic done to my vagina
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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