i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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