Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
