I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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