i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
