Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
