I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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