You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
