I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
