Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Shame - the story of my life.
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