He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
