It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
