so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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