I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
