i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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