i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
