its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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