Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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