Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
