Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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