im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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